Smooth Walker, Slick Talker

History consumes itself with a never ending quest to define, to understand, to know. Yet what is being defined and analyzed? If you were to ask a historian this question, you might be supplied with a plethora of verbose answers amounting to the simplistic idea that history repeats itself and understanding it is important to preventing future catastrophe. Take a look at this idea; engrain it into your memory because it is probably the dumbest thing anyone can say or think. What history is actually concerned with is identifying what cool really means. This seems almost self-explanatory, yet, for the sake of aiding my confused historical brethren, I will offer some examples. First of all, when presented with this issue, one should look back at the “great” generations and empires, which should be referred to as the cool eras to maintain a sense of accuracy. The Egyptians come to mind, along with the Romans and the Persians. Why were they so powerful and cool? Simple, they pushed the limits. Anyone could have built a large phallus in the desert, but it took some real pizzazz to call it an obelisk and pretend there was no double meaning. The Romans may not have been the first to build the arch, but they were the first to make it look good. The Persians were not the first to antagonize the mighty power of the Spartans, but they were the first to do it on the big screen in high definition.
With this new knowledge in hand, one may address the issue of determining the status of cool in modern society. It is along this vein that I wish to propose my thesis on the nature of cool in the twenty first century. As far as I can discern, today’s society defines cool through an innovative new personal style. This statement may seem somewhat unclear, but I hope to assuage that fear. To speak directly, the cool of the digital age can be seen in the new swagger and slang of the X generation. Of course one could argue that many generations before ours had obscure language practices and were capable of walking in a suggestive manner, but that would be ignoring the true nature of the essence of cool. Those previous generations just did not do it the same as today’s. To see the proof of this point, simply observe the behavior of any socially conscious high school student, particularly of the male persuasion. Notice the obsession the subject will hold with his pants, though he will deny this fixation when questioned about it. Note the peculiar ability of this group in keeping clothing aloft without the use of an accompanying device, ie a belt. Most importantly, do not over look the distinct musculature of the individual. Typically, the male will walk in somewhat of a lengthened shuffle, but movement will not be limited to the lower extremities, as other non-cool generations were apt to displaying. No, today’s suave male must needs move his shoulders in a forward side to side manner to illustrate superiority and a heightened feeling of sexual prowess. They walk as if steered by forces greater than themselves, not knowing where they will land next, but safe in the knowledge that they will look “kick ass” getting there. Moreover, upon arrival, they expect, and rightly so, that, wherever it is they have just docked at, the individuals present should thank their lucky stars, or charms for my Irish readers, that they are allowed to witness such a performance of sophistication. Yes, these are truly adept individuals who have mastered the intricate behaviors of modern society.
Still, walking alone cannot propel someone to the top of the social heap. Truly that would be an absurd idea. Put simply, you can’t just walk the walk, you have to talk the talk, and no society has been able to talk the talk like ours. Allow me to posit a personal example to demonstrate my point. While meandering through the halls of my local bastion of knowledge, I crossed paths with a young student who held profoundly cool characteristics. Shocked by such a specimen of the debonair, I enquired to discover his Christian and familial nomenae. To wit, in an impressive show of a mastery of the sarcastic arts, he replied, “My name is…everything.”
I’ll allow you to take a moment. Such high quality satire is rarely found, even in today’s era. But, now that you have collected yourselves, I must continue. The individual, who shall now be referred to as the self proclaimed “Everything,” continued on his merry way, with little mind to the great harm he had wrought upon me psychologically with his unforgiving witticism. No matter, I am recovering. However, I now, thanks to “Everything,” understand how far our society has come in establishing itself as the pinnacle of cool, the protector of pizzazz. This realization brings me to my final point. Obviously, one cannot define cool, one must be cool. Behaviors must be mastered and remastered, and wits must be quickened and quickened again. History can no more define the essence of cool than a historian can write an interesting and entertaining novel (I think they are limited by some defective gene). To place such a standard on the anals (Oh, I spelled it right) of academia, would be tantamount to asking for a more detailed answer from the world renowned artist Mims on the question as to why he is so hot. Simply put, “This is why I’m Hot” is the new maxim of the twentieth.