Proud to be an American

As a staunch republican and proud American, I would like to forewarn the gathered of the following
Please beware
of gay marriage, abortion, and stem cells
of global warming and high school coffee houses
of the Democrats, the independent thinkers, and the libertarians
of Al “Antichrist” Gore, Hillary “Hill-Dog” Clinton, and Barack “Not a Terrorist” Obama
of anyone reading a Koran, or just plain reading
of the non-Christians and the non-conservatives
of the foreigners, the non-whites, and the Mexican immigrants
of people from Iowa and Wisconsin
Most importantly, guard yourselves against France
and Canada
and New Orleans
and FEMA
and California
and France
Fear nationalized healthcare and the Salvation Army
Do not question the almighty Halliburton
Run from Nietzsche, Sartre, Foucault, Heidegger, Butler,
Salinger, France, Vonnegut, Faulkner, Ginsberg, and Jones
Protect the children from alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and fast food
Give them oxyconton, oxycodone, Britney Spears, oxycodine, Paris Hilton, vicodin, hydrocodone, energy
drinks, Michael Jackson, hydrocodine, adderall, sleeping pills, Harry Potter, South Park, Xbox live, Wii and Ritalin instead
(besides, you can’t be distracted if you’re not technically conscious)
Be thankful that Cobain and Green Day are not commercially idolized
That anarchy and rebellion are just teenage fads
And that women’s rights are no longer an important issue…
Speaking of women’s rights, whoever said women were just as good at sports as men…
have you ever seen a female sumo wrestler…I rest my case
Be proud of America’s position as a land of opportunity, a land where people care more for movie stars than their corrupt attorney
generals
Hooray for Peter Pumpkinhead and Falwell and Foley and Pelosi and Rove
And for armed Vice Presidents and weapons of mass deception
And overpaid college football coaches
For the NRA and the Christian Right and horse shows
Thank God someone finally found sexy and brought it back
Praise Jesus for hot dog buns and double entendres
And one day suspensions and cheating
Rejoice in C students from Yale
Celebrate peace in the Middle East
and the spread of glorious democracy
Forget the Alamos, Waco, Jonestown, Wounded Knee, Pearl Harbor, Gettysburg,
Harper’s Ferry, Cowpens, Boston, Kansas, and Antietam
Feel safe in the knowledge that spinach and dog food and Wendy’s chili are all free from attacks
Be proud of our ability to stabilize the economy and lower gas prices—know that the war has nothing but a
positive influence on these
Know that the Lord sayeth thou shalt love thy neighbor…which obviously means thou shalt not war with
thy neighbor unless he has large quantities of crude oil and natural gas in which case he will always, always, no matter what, be in need of a good dose of democracy
Exult in the knowledge that Iraq owes everything it has today to us
Oh, and to our Iraqi friends, You’re welcome
Show gratitude towards your leaders for opening the diplomatic channels between North Korea and Iran
Before they got the bomb, sorry, before they tested the bomb, wait, before they threatened to use the bomb…
you know what, be glad that we have more bombs than them
Forget Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and Kazakh journalists
Love!! Bill O’Reilly and Fox News and chorus
And 2nd period English and 4th period Latin
Be glad that we are not France or Canada or England for that matter
Applaud the high school teenage poets whose experiences and knowledge run as deep as Swamp STJ
Burn books and imprison their authors…it’s worked before
Burn the rain forests and the Louvre and electric cars
poison the ocean and combust the fossil fuels
Fear global warming as you would fear your imaginary friend…and if it turns out to be real, a lot of prime
real estate will open up in Alaska
Criticize Fight Club while making literal interpretations of the Bible
Praise Jesus and curse Allah…live up to your own golden rule
Revel in the knowledge that American Idol is preserving the great musical tradition of America
While the McNugget and the Whopper embraces its culinary culture
And Paris’s Confessions of an Heiress continues the literary legacy of Fitzgerald and Hemingway
Disbelieve science and evolution
Support the intellectuals who dreamed up a more intelligent design
Know that America has lived up to the dreams of its forefathers, those white slave owning rebels who degraded their women and
forsook their homeland to establish themselves as true patriots
Pray to God that no one interprets the Constitution
And that the Patriot Act remains unquestioned
Know that the legal system justly executes its duties and its criminals
Support your human rights loving troops in Abu-Ghraib and Gitmo
And other places where the truth flows as free as the scalding waters of a torture chamber
Feel safe in the knowledge that we do not exploit those who died in 9/11
And that 9/11 will always be on the minds of Americans,
Especially those who witnessed the terrible events of 9/11,
As well as the terrorists whom we will make responsible for 9/11...
Boo!!!...9/11
Praise yourselves for ending school segregation with racial privatization
Ignore the fact that Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson wage war on racism through the same “white” dominated media machine
that they raged against as young men
View the public humiliation of Michael Richards and Imus as victories over bigotry as well as celebrity
Scream your rally cry down city streets and country lanes: Reagan!!!!
But finally, and most importantly, thank God we are not France!!!